Thursday, June 6, 2013

Ten Necessary Steps to Become a Villain

So the other night, I had another 3 A.M. epiphany.

"I'm gonna become a villain!"

But you can't just jerk awake at three in the morning and suddenly be a villain. I mean, there's like, rules and things one must follow.

Presenting Kim's Rules to Becoming Evil, Complete With Fun Examples in the Form of Pretty Pictures.

(Working Title)

Step 1) Select a Minion

Preferably, the henchman should be an animal:

(Or animal-like)

But some are humanoid:

Or just plain human:

Personally, I'd love a vulture (they're all the rage this season), but those are expensive and hard to feed, so I'll settle for my cat, Flare.

Why is a minion so necessary, you ask?

"So that you can explain your evil plans aloud without looking dumb and/or crazy because in reality, you are talking to yourself."

Step 2) Purchase a Snazzy Outfit:

This has become more popular as villains have found a voice in the world. I mean, it used to be that villains were limited to black, but now they get stuff like this:


Personally, I think i'm going to go for something like Morgana's dress.

Step 3) Find an Appropriate Hat.

These should, preferably, come furnished with horns to hint that you are the devil's advocate:

A crown does count, because A) it is pointy, and B) it tells those pathetic mortals that you are more fit to rule than they.

Or pick a hat that hints at how wickedly dangerous you are:

This one might be a little too obvious.

Step 4) Perfect an Evil Laugh

I was practicing mine the other night:


Here's some more professional examples:

Step 5) Find a Creepy Slogan:

Necessary to freak out the hero. We need words to creep into their minds and keep them up at night--something to convince them that no mater how strong they are... They. Will. Never. Win.


I'm thinking something along the lines of...


Step 6) Get an Intensely Evil Code Name (IECN)

Now that we're at a stage where the world will soon take us seriously, we need an IECN. These should hint at just how evil you are, and not  discreetly, mind you.

If you find yourself struggling to come up with a properly evil alter ego, try looking at one of these charts (I stole from Google) for ideas:

I think I'm going to go with...

 "The Sky Blue Frosted Flakes, Navy Blue Planner, Unstoppable Criminal, Scarlet Vixen"

Catchy, I know.

Step 7) Practice Evil Brooding. 

Necessary if you want to be an attractive villain. Behold:


Step 8) Be Disarmingly Charming

This is to confuse the hero, and leave them wondering if they can actually trust you (and, inevitably, they will because heroes never want to believe you are TRULY evil) leaving you open to stab them in the back later!

A sub genre of this is appearing Vulnerable to attract sympathy. Behold:

This is what really wins villain fans.

Step 9) Do Something EVIL

Some people take this step to the extreme (taking over a city, the world, universe, etc.)
I'm thinking of something even MORE EVIL.


Step 10) Overlook a Ridiculously Small Weakness that Will Lead to Your Downfall

*Ooo... Glitter... it's so shiny...*

I mean, really, that's why we chose to be a villain after all. We're destined to lose dramatically. If we actually wanted to win, we'd have chosen to be a hero.


  1. Sheer. Brilliance.
    I, Evil Brown Naked Juice Red Bear, The Dangerous Werewolf also known as Ancient Vixen, salute you.

  2. Using the first chart, my name is... The Dark Lord. I am Voldemort?

  3. I think I'm going to become a villain too. bwaa ha ha.