Tuesday, June 11, 2013

So You Wanna Be a Hero, Kid?

Well... woop-dee-do!

Presenting: Kim's Rules to Becoming a Hero Complete with Overly Dramatic Pictures of Epicness
(Working Title)


Step 1) Be Marked for Greatness

Because, let's face it, being a hero isn't a job for the average. You must be DESTINED for GREATNESS.






Not marked for greatness? Easy Fix.

 Step One: Grab a marker.

Step Two:

Step 2) Embrace a Tragic Back Story

This goes hand in hand for that whole "marked for greatness" thing. In order to win Epicly, you must first appear as an underdog: discarded, alone, hated, etc. This, momentarily, feels somewhat like being a villain, but without the snazzy outfit. (AKA, opportune Brooding moment).




Any moment, when given proper emphasis, can be used as a Tragic Back Story. So, while you may not be an orphan, or properly ignored by your parents like most heroes, there is still hope for you.

Step 3) Pick a Side Kick

You can have one:





Or two:



Or a whole group if you're particularly insecure:



I'd love a whole battalion of heroes to flank me, but Epic Adventures tend to be a spur of the moment sort of thing, and I can't constantly have a battalion on hand, so I think I will go with my cat, Flare:


 

Seem familiar?


"That is because heroes, like villains, need a companion to explain their plans aloud to so that they can avoid sounding stupid and/or insane."

Step 4) Select Your "Weapon of Choice"

Choose wisely, for this will end up being a weapon unique to you that you will be known by for the rest of your existence.

No pressure.






"STUPIFY!"

Step 5)  Master the Hero Smile

Akin to attractive villainous brooding, but much more charming, and less intimidating.





This one needs more work.

Step 6) Recite Cataclysmic Lines

Even with the Mark of Greatness, Tragic Backstory, and everything else we've discussed up to this point, it's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to become a hero unless you can say exactly the wrong thing at the right moment. Behold:




Because, unless you recite these lines, the plot WILL NOT progress.
(Serious. Otherwise, heroes would have stopped saying them by now.)

Step 7) Have a moment of Self Realization

This is the moment you realize you have a Reason to fight. And, this moment will inevitably lead to your hero name.




I have no charts to help find a name this time, since hero names are something you find from searching WITHIN.




"I am Kim."


Step 8) Locate Your Attractive Love Interest


 *Painfully shy*


An Attractive Love Interest is necessary to draw villains in your direction, and to help you find your Reason to fight.
Choose wisely, as your Love Interest is the one you will have your Happily Ever After with at the end.
Unless they die.
But don't worry about that until later.
Look! Sappy romance!






After you have located your Love Interest,


"HEEELP! I've been located!"

It is necessary to spend a Magical Moment with them so that the both of you can realize that you are Meant to Be.


"Oooh... Spaaaarkler..."

Preferably, these moments should involve water, as water is great to reflect sparkly lights, and/or make arches in the air. Behold:





This might be a bad idea if your Attractive Love Interest does not like water.

Step 9) Apply Moment of Failure

It will come. That moment when all hope is lost. When something TERRIBLE happens. When the villain undoubtedly will win (regardless of the ridiculous weakness they overlooked). It. Will. Come. You cannot avoid it. Only prepare.




These Moments of Failure work best when the hero is betrayed by a member of their own family:



Or when someone, generally the Attractive Love Interest, dies.





This Moment of Failure will give you your Reason to press on, and the power to...


Step 10) Overcome ALL ODDS in an Inevitable Victory

Because you're the HERO! of course you're going to win in the end!





After your Attractive Love Interest has been revived if dead, and found if lost, a kiss is, of course, requisite.





"Painfully shy*



After that, you live Happily Ever After.

The End



2 comments:

  1. Now I don't know if I want to be a villain or a hero...I SHALL BE BOTH! Villain by night, hero by day! (Where I fix the problems I caused during the night... ;) )

    ReplyDelete